I’m not saying you’re stupid, I’m just implying it.

Can I have your phone number; I seem to have lost mine

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up

You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor

It's always the last place you look...of course it is, why the hell would I keep looking after I found it?

Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.

When life gives you lemons, alter their DNA and make SUPER LEMONS!

Please Note: CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED Apparently you told Santa that you have been good this year...he died laughing.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving isn't for you

Guns don’t kill people. Bullets kill people.

Trying is the first step toward failure

Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?

If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?

Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?

"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?

Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?

Are marbles made of marble?

Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?

If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get your money back? (Granted you lived)

Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Can you get cornered in a round room?

Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?

Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?

If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?

How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?

Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?

Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?

Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?

Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?

"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"

Isn't it funny how the word 'olitics' is made up of the words 'oli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?

Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??

Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?

How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?

How come you drive on a parkway, but park on a driveway?

If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?